From Ex-Muslim to Revert: A Journey of Reconsideration

After a tumultuous journey that led from a devout Muslim to an atheist and back again, this article shares the experience of a dedicated student of Islam who experienced a profound shift in perspective. Despite the challenges and contradictions faced, the author found a way to reconcile their past and embrace their faith once more.

Transition from Faith to Atheism

My initial journey as a Muslim was undeniably traditional. I attended an Islamic school strongly influenced by Deobandi and Tabligh Jamaat ideology. The emphasis of this school was deeply rooted in ritualistic practices and the strict enforcement of perceived religious norms. The ceremony of counting sins, the promise of sawaab (a reward system for good deeds), and the overall rigid framework left a lasting impression on my understanding of Islam.

However, the portrayal of the Molvis (Islamic scholars) in this school significantly shaped my perception of Islam. They depicted it as a shallow and punitive religion, suggesting that even the worst of individuals could be acceptable in the eyes of Allah if they followed the prescribed rituals. Questioning anything was seen as a lack of faith, and there was rampant thought-policing. Somewhat dramatically, Allah was portrayed as a sadistic figure, eager to torment and punish.

These teachings became deeply unsettling, leading me to distance myself from the religion. I became an atheist, a decision driven more by emotional rejection than rational analysis. My aversion stemmed from the portrayal of a shallow and sadistic god, one who was more interested in superficial compliance than genuine connection. This transition marked a significant turning point, as I sought a religion that better reflected my values and beliefs.

The Turning Point: An Illuminating Read

My journey back to Islam began when my grandfather, on a trip overseas, returned with a series of religious books. Among them was “Revelations of the Unseen” by Abdul Qadir Jilani. Reluctantly picking it up, I was surprised to find myself engrossed in its contents. The book presented a whole new perspective on Islam, one that deeply resonated with me and sparked a renewed interest in the religion.

My experience with the book led me to question the foundation of my knowledge. I realized that my understanding of Islam was largely based on the teachings of others, often human teachers who themselves could have been taught without truly understanding the fundamentals. This realization was deeply unsettling, as it made me question the reliability of the information I had been taught. I felt that, for a subject as crucial as faith, one should engage in self-study and seek to understand the religion directly from the source, without relying on intermediaries.

To test this, I started reading the Quran with the mindset of a complete novice, disregarding the interpretations and opinions of others. I was profoundly shocked by the profound insights found within the Quran. It not only understood and discussed human nature and flaws in a deeply insightful manner but also encouraged continuous questioning and reflection—a far cry from the strict, unyielding dogma I had previously encountered. The Quran’s encouragement of self-examination and critical thinking was a stark contrast to the unchecked authority of my previous teachers.

Renewed Faith and Personal Growth

Armed with these newfound principles of self-study and independent inquiry, I embarked on a journey to give faith another chance. Embracing this new approach, I reconnected with the Muslim community and found solace in a faith that values individual understanding and personal growth.

Today, I hold a deeper respect for the role of scholars but maintain a critical stance towards their opinions. They must present their views with clear evidence, and I hold no unquestioning allegiance to any mullah. I am committed to exercising my own reasoning, challenging what I read, and engaging in my own interpretation of religious texts. While I still have much to learn, I am no longer bound by the rigid hierarchies that once constrained me.

My journey may have its share of doubts and uncertainties, but I remain steadfast in my faith. Regardless of others’ opinions, I choose Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and would be a Muslim even if I were the last one on earth, as Allah wills.

Keywords: ex-muslim, religious reversion, Muslim experience